Five Valentines Day Presents (That Will Totally Get You Laid)

Valentines Day, that one day of the year dedicated to making your other half the happiest person on the planet. With all the chocolates, flowers and poor quality teddy bears that get bandied about, it’s getting more and more difficult to find a present with any meaning. But if we’re being honest, all the presents and attention serve a dual purpose. One is to woo the object of your affections and make them feel special, the other is to ensure you get your own reward, specifically, sex. Now we’re not saying it’s a good idea to try and buy ‘sex credits’ through good deeds and romantic gifts, we’re just saying if you’re in a relationship chances are that’s how things already work. But the Valentines gift has been the pitfall of many a partner, and it’s important you know the presents that will land you in bed and which will landyou in the doghouse.

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1. Perfume

Perfurme is one of the Valentines Day staples, as romantic as a candle lit dinner without all that messing around trying to order in French or Italian. Apparently the brain can recognise scents better than sounds, so what could be better than a bottle of questionable chemicals specially designed by Lady Gaga herself? Well, if you want perfume that doesn’t smell of bourbon and desperation, why not take your partner to a make your own perfume class? The Make Your Own sessions are available in most major cities in Britain, and they usually cost less than the re-bottled industrial plant fertiliser you were going to buy in the shop. Just make sure you come up with a good name for the scent at the end to really impress your better half; naming it Eau de Ejaculate may get some laughs from your friends but it’ll drain the fire from your partners loins faster than your mum whipping out the baby photos.

2. Natural Viagra-Goji berries

gojiberriesNatural Viagra-Goji berries or Wolfberry as they’re also known, are delicious, nutritious berries that grow only on the side of mountains in Southeast Asia. Also they make you as horny as Russel Brand’s dog on heat. If you want to make your other half a memorable dinner, cooking anything with Goji berries is guaranteed to make things moreinteresting. With natural performance enhancing properties and a bizarrely strong flavour, they go great in pastas and risottos, or, if you’re feeling like making some lazy romantic overtures, just stick a load of them on a pizza. An hour after taking them, you’ll be smashing bed springs  and breaking headboards. If you decide to try the romantic Goji meal on your own, be prepared for a night of intense sexual frustration and a fair amount of internet usage. Be advised though, don’t try to feed your partner with these before explaining their natural sexual powers, surprisingly few people enjoy being unwittingly drugged as a prelude to frantic sex.

3. Rent-a-Pet

Everyone knows animals bring out the loving side in people, so it stands to reason that buying a girl a puppy will guarantee   some sort of sexual gratification (not a guarantee). So why not go through the whirlwind of a lifetime of pet ownership in just one day with rent-a-pet. Watch as you and your partner return to the happy people you were before you met, revel in the cuteness of said dog and it’s furry little face, laugh as it staggers around your house like a drunken uncle on Christmas and finally cry as the dog you both grew to love is returned, uniting you and your partner in grief as the one thing you both loved is carried out the door in a plastic cage. It may sound traumatizing, and it is. But it’s actually the trauma that will bring you and your partner closer together, the shared ambition to NOT DIE ALONE will be enough to keep you holding each other all night. Ah romance.

4. Personalised Alcohol

This one may seem a little trivial, like getting your loved one a personalised phone case, but in fact it really do wonders depending on how much you’re willing to splash out for it. The fact of the matter is it’s not the message on the bottle, it’s the alcohol you went for. The more expensive alcohol doesn’t necessarily spell true love either, it’s about finding an alcohol you have in common. If you remember drinking a bottle of gin on your first date (and kudos to you if you do remember), get them gin with a message about that first date. If it was a bottle of Absolut vodka at a party you attended together, get that with a playful message printed across the side. If it was a bottle of White Star cider, Valentines is probably too much of a stretch for you and you should probably stay in doors with Jeremy Kyle. As soon as the object of your affections sees a romantic gift combined with alcohol, they’ll go weak in the knees (warning, this could be a result of the alcohol itself).

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5. 18-30 holiday

For Valentines Day couples all across Britain will head to tiny coastal towns to wander round the grounds of a hotel or cottage, all in the name of finding ‘a romantic little getaway’. But how many girls really get excited at the prospect of spending a few nights in a little BnB watching old couples wither and die in the dining area before being accosted by a group of local youths down by the sea? No, what you really need is an 18-30 holiday in a beautiful sunny country. Seeing all the drunken idiots stagger about, get naked and vomit into their own eyes will be enough to convince any girl that they are better off avoiding the STI’s and homo-erotic behaviour on offer at any 18-30 resort. Of course it could backfire and result in you sleeping on a balcony while your partner has sex with a tanned club rep incapable of spelling his own name, but you’ll get the last laugh after a trip to the STI clinic back home.

Ben Graham

I love the films of The Cohen Brothers, but retain a healthy dislike for George Clooney. Spend my days writing, listening to reggae and sending sexually aggressive messages to Danny Dyer. He knows why.