Battleship is bad. There’s no getting around it. And it’s not bad in a kind of ‘well at least it’s entertaining’ kind of way, it’s bad in a ‘the $200m it cost to make this movie would have been better spent shoved up Taylor Kitsch’s arse’ kind of way. Because, you see, if Taylor Kitsch had $200m rammed up his behind, he might actually be inclined to show some kind of emotion.
Battleship is comfortably the worst film I have ever seen. That is not hyperbole. Upon leaving the cinema I struggled to think of any film that had infuriated me more. The Phantom Menace, perhaps? At least that had lightsabers. No, Battleship is so bad that there is no way it can disappoint. You will remember this film for years after the credits roll. You’ll remember the £7-ish that it cost you to go see it. What could you have achieved with that £7? You could have invested it in something.
So I suppose I need to explain myself a bit. Why is it so bad? Well, firstly, the plot is so unoriginal, I guarantee that you have seen this movie ten times before you see Battleship. How can that make sense? Well let’s see here. You’ve got Battle Los Angeles, Skyline, Transformers, Transformers 2, Transformers 3, Independence Day, and probably a load of other dross. Every single one of these films uses almost the exact same characters and plot as Battleship. And they’re all rubbish. You’d think directors would have picked up on that by now. But no, here’s Battleship, with the rugged Taylor Kitsch’s character who is a bit of a tearaway but ends up saving the world at the last minute following several moments of epiphany that would never happen in the real world or any fictional reality purporting to have any semblance to the real world.
Well, at least there’s no cringe-worthy tacked on romance sub-plot that doesn’t contain any real or meaningful emotional involvement from the characters, let alone the audience. Oh wait, there definitely is one of those. So somehow the jackass that Taylor Kitsch plays manages to end up dating one of the most inexplicably beautiful women in the world, who also happens to be the daughter of Liam Neeson, here playing some hard-as-nails admiral who Kitsch is desperately trying to impress. Spoiler: It impresses Liam Neeson when Kitsch saves the world. Didn’t impress me though. And it sure as hell won’t impress you.
But what about Rihanna? She’s in this film, right? I bet she was awful too. Well, no actually. The fact that I wasn’t motivated to take my own life after watching this film is pretty much all down to the fact that Rihanna wasn’t as god-awful as many were expecting. She was almost good. Better than anyone else, that’s for damn sure. She was cool, played a fairly important role in what passed for the plot, and I genuinely would have been upset if she died. I suppose a bit of credit has to go to the script-writers for not just putting Rihanna on the boat and saying ‘look! It’s Rihanna!’ which they could probably have got away with. But the credit they get for that is more than wiped out by the rest of the crap they came up with. Or, as is the case here, the crap they stole from other films that were crap.
Well at least the special effects will be good. That’s always the case with these kind of films. Grudgingly, I have to admit the special effects are good. But i’m not scoring the film higher for it, because any nerd with a keyboard can conjure up good special effects these days. There’s no skill in it. No skill in the effects on show here, anyway. Lots of explosions, things crashing, fires raging, all the kind of senseless violence you’d expect to see if you gave a nine year old boy a pen and paper and told him to get creative. Except we wouldn’t give the nine year old boy two hundred million dollars to help him bring his creations to life. So why has it happened here?! There is NO plot, NO emotion, NO anything! Battleship is the turd to which all future turds have to be compared. I might stick a picture of the film on ‘ratemypoo.com’. Except that site would explode with the sheer size of this particular poo. And the god-awful stench of it. I saw an elephant’s poo when I was in India once. It was almost as big as I was. But that is NOTHING compared to Battleship. Battleship is a work of art in the way it takes a human’s concept of something that’s terrible, and warps it into something unimaginably shocking. This film will change you.
It is very difficult to articulate how bad this film is. I know that I haven’t done the sheer abject bad-ness of it any justice. It just has to be seen to be believed. But, like that time former Tory MP Anne Widdecombe went on Strictly Come Dancing, some things remain best unseen. And Battleship is one of them.